“Do you not feel guilty spending time with a horse when you have a baby at home?”
Quite possibly one of the most awful things someone said to me shortly after I’d had my first baby. Horses were my ‘me time’, they were what kept me sane yet here I was suddenly considering giving up horses.
Not only that but I was also struggling with ‘the fear’. The dreaded fear that everyone seemed to revel in telling me would happen.
So many people told me the most negative stories when I fell pregnant. It ranged from “oh you’ll lose your confidence in the saddle, I definitely did…” to, “you won’t have time for horses once the baby comes along, or the money for that matter! You think horses are expensive… kids are even worse!” And then came what I considered the most awful of all things to say, when I finally had my daughter, and that was making me feel guilty about actually going to the stables “now I was a mother.”
Suddenly not only had I given up my body, given up most of headspace, but now I was expected to give up my passion because I was a mother.
When I was pregnant, so many people asked me when I would be selling THE horse. I hated that they said, the, as if he was a thing, instead of referring to him by his name, Jack. I couldn’t get my head around why people would ask me that. Why on earth would I need to completely change my life just because I was having a baby.
Millions of children all around the world grow up around horses, why should mine be any different?
I felt so strongly about it yet here I was, just 8 months later sitting down to write a for sale advert while my daughter crawled around my feet, chasing the dog’s ball.
I was exhausted, suffering from the huge lack of confidence I felt coming back to riding after a pretty horrendous natural labour and worse still, struggling to listen to my own voice instead of the voices of know-it-all liveries telling me I needed to ride my horse more.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I actually went as far as to speak to Jack’s previous owner, who I’d bought him from as a leggy 3 year old. I asked if she wanted ‘first dibs’ so to speak and she very quickly said yes. I felt sick to my stomach. My husband walked through the front door and sat down as I told him I what I’d done.
Surprisingly, he felt the same as I did and begged me not to do it, “We’ll figure it out. We’ll find a way!” And sure as s**t we did. I say we, because while Jack was all mine, Rob became one of those husbands who figured it was better to join in on the horse obsession if he wanted to spend any time with me when we first began dating. 14 years later and he has his own horse and is down the stables most days. I picked a good one.
Thankfully, I can also say that almost 10 years later, Jack is still very much with me, along with 3 additional horses. Why? Because horses were and will always be my passion. Just because I became a mother, did not mean that I needed to give up that part of me. On the contrary, having horses has been one of the best experiences for my children. They get outside constantly, regardless of the weather, they know how to care for animals, along with the importance of caring for something besides themselves. They understand responsibility, nature and patience a damn sight more most children their age and better still, they’re slowly growing into young horse women themselves.
I won’t deny it was tough when my first daughter got to that special age where sitting still was not something she was willing to do. Mucking out had to be done super quickly, or by someone else if I simply couldn’t pacify her enough with a rusk or toy. So yes, I did have to make adjustments but I did not have to give up my horse. We simply adapted to the situation in hand.
I moved Jack from the DIY livery yard to a grass livery yard where I didn’t need to muck out anymore. A quick barrow of poo picking was all it took every other day. This was miles more manageable with a toddler and a job in the fire service that required me working all sorts of unsociable hours.
With that sorted, it was now down to sorting out my head and my inability to ignore the ‘neigh’ sayers (see what I did there!?).
I stopped caring about whether I managed to ride. Why? Because Jack really didn’t give a crap to put it bluntly. He didn’t care if he was ridden or not. In fact, I think he assumed he was in early retirement and he was more than happy about it. He was actually quite livid when I finally brought him back into work. I have since discovered that isn’t possible with all horses. Some require ticking over. So if I ever find myself in the situation now, part-loaning would be my go to. But please please please stop feeling guilt over not being able to ride. Paying for their upkeep and ensuring their needs are met with food, water, warmth and other aspects of well being is enough. It doesn’t matter if you decide to stop riding. It doesn’t matter if you decide to have someone else ride. What matters is the whether you, your horse and of course that family of yours is happy and healthy. That’s it.
Looking back, it was the easiest answer to all my problems. Relaxing a little. Stepping back to grass livery and giving jack that 3 years off while also giving myself that time off from pressure of my own mind as well as those outside voices.
I had a lot of physical problems after having my first daughter and they were only exacerbated after having my second daughter. But I took the time to heal and now, I’m on my way to being 100% again, which when all’s said and done, is the goal right?
Jack is back in work, as and when I can, along with our other horses. Things happen that aren’t planned so the horses fit in. The kids love them and the life style we have. They simply accept them as part of our life and that’s it. No ifs, ands or buts and better still, the horses will be with us for years and years to come so the low mileage at the minute can only be a bonus right? A bonus that will lead to healthy, fit older horses.
Do I still have the fear? Yes. Do I need to work on my confidence? Also yes. But I'll do it at a pace that suits me. I also acknowledge the fact that it will peak and trough as life moves on. In the words of a woke Hollywood actor... "This too shall pass" and that's what I'm remembering from now on.
